Food for Thought

Silence is... sexy? That ain't right... "UN-MEMORIZING THE “SILENCE IS SEXY” DATE SCRIPT"

I think as a young woman it's appropriate to share this link ^^^ To encourage other young women and young men to start thinking differently about how they approach intimate situations.It's important for us, for our future children, etc. Take the time to read it, and even if some of it is already obvious to you, hopefully you'll get something out of it.

As I'm in the "country of love" perhaps it's finally time to talk about love. Or, rather, dating and male-female relations in France. From what I've observed and experienced...

1. It's easier to have guy friends (personally). Guys and girls together hang out in groups a lot more in France. 
2. When it comes to seduction or "wooing" a woman, there is certain language you use, just like in the US but better. I'd give examples but if you don't speak French it's harder to understand why it's better :P But ladies, just imagine a handsome guy speaking sweet nothings in your ear in French... that's enough of a reason! :P
3. Men talk more openly to women in the streets... yes that's a euphemism to say men cat call. Yep it happens to every woman at some point. It's not always about the beauty, it's about your "essence." If you seem like a confident, interesting girl, you will get attention. And for them, it's not always about the actual result- getting a number or a smile, etc. It is kind of, cause it's like a game, they're testing you. But that's why it's harmless. I mean there are some real assholes, too. Some guys practically devour you with their eyes. You walk past them and they look right at you, like into your soul, and you can't crack and look at them even if just to glare, because then they've won and you won't shake em off haha. A few times it's happened to me where if a guy says "Eh t'es charmante!" (Oh you're charming!) or something along those lines and I don't respond, he'll say "Ben tu peux pas me dire merci hein?" (Ohh not even gonna say thank you, huh?) to antagonize me. But most of the time it's just like a gentle, "Bonjour mademoiselle" or "Salut, t'es vraiment belle.." And you tuck it in your pocket and keep it to yourself, really just little compliments that put a pep in your step on your way to class :) That's how it is for me anyways. 
 4. Most French men are raised to be extremely respectful towards women. That being said, some will argue that the gender equality isn't at the level where it should be, even today...
5. If a guy likes you, he'll not hide it and he'll be open about wanting to spend time with you. There's a seduction game but it's not so secretive like in the US. For example, PDA is rampant haha. People make out/get touchy in public ALL THE TIME, everywhere, at almost any age...
6. Depending on the context, once you kiss, it's considered that you're more or less "together." Maybe not officially, but that it is definitely heading in that direction. And whereas in the US it takes sometimes months before people start dating (the courting period, if you will, is longer), in France, if you're interested and are looking for a relationship, there's not a long wait or "testing of the waters" haha. 
7. Much more openness about each other's expectations/much more open communication. 

All that from my observation/experience/etc. Perhaps I'm wrong or off on some things. Just my opinions. 

My friend Mary and I were talking about love, liking people and dating, etc. And she said something that really spoke to me. Actually, she's a smart girl and says a lot of things that make me think, so I asked if I could share what she said. Luckily she said yes! If everyone thought this way... the world would be a better place!

"Je n'ai pas peur de montrer que j'ai des sentiments pour quelqu'un parce qu'au moins ca veut dire que j'ai assez d'amour que je peux le partager et le donner a quelqu'un. A la fin de la journee, j'aurais ajoute plus de l'amour au monde et pas de la haine. C'est stupide d'avoir honte de dire que vous aimez quelqu'un parce que donner l'amour a quelqu'un, ca rend le monde plus beau. Meme si le sentiment n'est pas reciproque, il y a pas de mal, c'est comme un compliment.... Tu ne peux que gagner en disant la verite." 

En anglais:

"I'm not afraid to show that I have feelings for someone because at least that means I have enough love to share and to give to someone. At the end of the day, I will have added more love to the world, not hate. It's stupid to be ashamed or afraid to say that you love someone because giving love to someone makes the world more beautiful. Even if the feeling isn't reciprocated, there is no harm, it's like a compliment... You can only win in being honest! 

That being said, the same friend has also said this: 

"On ne peut pas tomber en amour tout seul. Le vrai amour est reciproque." 

"You can't fall in love all alone. True love is mutual." 

I find both statements to be true. You can have love for someone and share it with them, give it to them. If they don't love you back, that doesn't make your love for them any less significant. It simply means you're both not love with each other. It's different. You'll KNOW when it's "true love" when the other person feels the same way. I guess since I've never been in this kind of romantic situation I can really say it's easy to know or feel. But I'm hoping I'll know when it happens! 

Why do I feel the need to talk about "love" on my travel blog? My first excuse is because everyone asks me about the "French boys"  since I'm in the "country of love" and if I've found my French husband yet. Nope, not yet. Still on the hunt ;) Don't worry, it's only a matter of time. HA kidding (kind of... ) 

My second excuse is because I've realized how many of us girls get wrapped up in the fairy tale of love and the perfect man (or woman I suppose!), and I just feel an urge to preach my philosophy. I've done a bit (or a lot) of reflecting and I've come to a conclusion. The reality is, those things don't exist. We are human and humans aren't perfect therefore love cannot be perfect. It's perfect in it's imperfection, perhaps. But there are so many different kinds of love and I've realized that in living here. There's old love, young love, homosexual love, heterosexual love, friend love, romantic love, shared love (more than one girlfriend/boyfriend) and at EVERY age whether we're 15, 33, 49,67, it doesn't matter- love will always be complicated. My host mom is 52, divorced for 5 years, and has a more complicated love life than I do! Single men in their fifties are no more sure of what they want (ok, exaggeration but still) than single men in their twenties haha! 

Love is meant to be simple but our humanness complicates it- men and women don't understand each other very well sometimes and we often don't know what we want or we always seem to want different things, but we can't get enough of each other! I wish for my fellow females that we learn to accept this fact, that love will never be simple, and that we shouldn't have such high expectations for ourselves and for those we like. What's important is that we're happy with who WE are as individuals (there's my American individuality expressing itself lol) without a significant other attached. How can we love and respect someone else with all our being if we don't love and respect ourselves with the same intensity? Our (non-greedy and non-self-interested) self-satisfaction and identity as individual women  (and that goes for men too) should be our first priority, and then when we are happy with ourselves, we can share the love we have to give with someone who deserves it. 

I am not alone when I say that I have been through some rough times in my "love endeavors." But when I look back, if I didn't like something, I could have ended it right then. But did I? No. So in the end, I put myself through something I didn't need to. Sure things happen that we can't control. But we have the power to change things we don't like. So the next time you complain about a guy or girl who did this or that to you, think about what it was that he or she did and whether or not you could have walked away from it. Surely a large portion of you will realize you allowed what ever that disagreeable thing was continue and you probably wish you tapped into your self-confidence, made a decision to not waste your time and move on.

I'm not saying it's easy, I'm just saying, there are people who deserve your love and people who don't. That being said, just because someone doesn't LOVE you back, doesn't mean they don't deserve your love. It's about respect. Love takes time (because it's complicated), but it's precious. And there's no shame in it. But if someone does something to hurt you, or doesn't love you back, it doesn't mean that person never deserves love. We all do,we're human. Like Mary said, it's better to put love into the world than hate. Little acts, such as taking out revenge on someone or treating someone badly because they treated you badly.. that is a vicious cycle. Maybe you don't realize the harm it does in the long run, but if you look back later in life and realize all the things you did because you chose the hateful path instead of the loving one, you'll realize it only created more hate. Kill with kindness, if you will. I could preach tons of little sayings and philosophies all night long. But really they all come back down to the same root: "Love is all you need." Thank you to the Beatles for that timeless quote :)

I have met so many people here in France and each person whether they know it or not has helped me learn a lot about myself. I told myself this year would be about me and I would not get wrapped up in romance. Sure, I've gone on dates and had little relationships and almost-boyfriends, if you will, - Hell I'm studying abroad in France I'd be stupid to not take advantage of the beautiful eye candy here right?! ;) but I have done a pretty good job sticking to my guns. It feels good, and I have to admit I'm afraid to lose this sense of self-confidence when I go back to Linfield. Linfield is a great place, but my eyes have been opened to bigger and better things, simply because I've lived outside of the tiny college, "bubble" effect for almost a year now. My friends here, French and American alike, have helped me understand what self-respect means. I will forever be grateful for that. I left Linfield at the end of sophomore year realizing I'd lost a sense of who I was, and I don't want to go back to that. Thank God I have my passion for French because that has been a continuous thread in my life that has only brought me good things -guiding me in the right direction and keeping me moving forward- including my life here in Marseille, where I'm happier than ever. I am blessed to have wonderful family and friends to go back to in Washougal, McMinnville, and elsewhere. When I go back and have to leave this wonderful place, they will be my priority. Myself included. Just like here... And if someone comes along who's first priority is to love and respect themselves and wants to respect me as a person and as a young woman, and maybe one day love me, they will become my priority, too. 

I've never felt vulnerable posting something before, but this post is kind of like an open diary. Maybe some of you will find it too cheesy, too preachy, too cliche, too personal or too deep for comfort... But hey, I'm really cheesy (if you know me you love me for my cheesy humor which I no doubt inherited from my dad HA), sometimes really preachy and I'll admit it haha, and I like deep subjects and I clearly have no issues talking about myself, hahaha. So there you go, take it or leave it.